I was nervous for my own boudoir session....Yes, me the boudoir photographer!
Yeah, you read that title right. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “the boudoir photographer, the one who does this for a living....is nervous to get her own photos taken?” ….. Yep, that was me! It turns out it's so easy to look at literally everyone else, all my clients, and find perfection, seeing absolutely no flaws and capturing their raw beauty. Now… looking at myself, I saw it differently. I know we’ve all struggled a little bit with how we look, our good & bad sides/angles, wrinkles we would much rather not be there, bloating, tummy, arms, and I could go on, but you get the point, we put a damper on ourselves.
As the day got closer to my own session, these depictions of myself started to surface, to the point where I almost wanted to put it off until I felt better about how I look. To be honest, like many, I have a few things that I don’t always feeI great about. My tummy area being one of them. Sometimes certain angles can really get that double chin... front and center. I sometimes feel like my chest isn’t proportionate/large enough for my tummy........hold on, pause.
Am I hearing myself?? Was I seriously listing these off in my head to turn myself away from this shoot?
Turns out, typing this out, brings me to more realization of how silly it sounds...picking myself apart, doubting myself......AND, I know I'm not the only one who participates in this form of self sabotage. For one, I wasn’t about to continue picking apart the flaws I see in myself when I am able to look at any woman who thinks similar things about themselves, and tell them they are stunning, flawless and that enough is enough! Second, I reminded myself of the things that I have mentioned in my posts before, and that I hope for all women to remind themselves in their own way.
For me specifically, this is:
- The body I am picking apart, grew & birthed my 3 beautiful children.
- The body I am picking apart, is the one that is healthy, the one that can move, dance and allow me SO MANY opportunities.
- That body also likes to slow down sometimes, and snack….alot.. and I like doing that (lol I do, and I know you do too!)
- The wrinkles by my eyes and nose that show when I laugh or smile, are part of the emotion I am able to express freely. The little details that are a part of me. A little thing that if my kids also have, they’ll know it's from mom. Why try to hate it or hide it? <3
- The double chin that likes to make its appearance sometimes? Yeah it's not preferred, but OH WELL, don’t most have it? At the end of the day, who cares!!
Turns out when you start writing these little things down that we may call flaws, they sound a little silly, and what things to be so worried bout to the point where I almost didn’t want these beautiful photos taken for me!
Life is damn beautiful. It's short. Why spend time worrying about the minor "imperfections" that make us beautiful, original, and just simply, us.
Fast forward to the session……
I woke up, nervous, but a little more excited. I picked out a few things that were comfy for my body, things that made me feel good. I did my makeup & hair. Being a boudoir photographer NOT behind the camera is friggen weird, let me tell ya. I know every pose, I have a flow with clients… and uhh here I am struggling and acting like I don’t know wtf I’m doing. Drawing a huge blank. ….ALL BECAUSE IM SO NERVOUS. My gosh.
Okay about 10 min in, Im getting into the flow of things feeling good, and next thing you know were done, it flew by like it was nothing, and it was so much fun! Of course still nervous about angles, and if I would truly like how they turned out.
Now, because I did this with another photographer friend, I was actually able to edit my own photos which was SO exciting. I think for any photographer it would be, we all love our own artistic editing styles, so to edit in your own style is awesome! That plus having a photographer who knows what they're doing behind the camera, is a win win!
Emotions were running, I felt like I had the longest drive getting home, excitement, anxiousness, certainty, uncertainty, you name it.
I plugged in my SD card…waiting for the upload to finish…Im sitting there hoping and praying that I would like these, and liked how I look even a little……..Upload complete. Here we go, moment of truth……
UHM.
WHO. TF…
ME?
LOVE. Shocked, but also not? Im in love. I powered through the editing process so fast, because I could not stop, nor believe my eyes.
I truly don’t see myself the way I did in these photos. I was so happy I got them done, and even kicked myself a little for even thinking anything negative of myself in the process!
Confidence levels, exceeded.
Note: If you read this and thought to yourself at any point “hm, this sounds like me” and your self sabotage has held you back from booking a session, or doing anything at all, please use this as your reminder that you are far more beautiful than you think. Your said flaws are only flaws to you, and you should change that way of thinking. You deserve to go through life seeing and appreciating your beauty, and everything that makes you, you.
Sabri
